Reflection, Blog Direction, & Autism

I have had this blog for a long time.  Mostly, I always used it as a venting place.  I’ve dealt with a lot of drama at certain periods in my life and took to the webs to air my grievances.  I’ve never made this blog anything other than that, just a bunch of random ‘whatever I wanted to post at the time’ nonsense.  Things change.  People change.  And over time, this blog has also changed.  I mean, I still don’t have any one set direction for this thing… but I do sometimes notice a running pattern as to what is mainly within the confines of the metaphorical walls of this place.  As usual, it depends on where I am, geographically and mentally.  For a while this was an angry blog.  And for another while I even tried to focus on opinions of current events… which didn’t last long really.  As of late, it has been mostly about Autism.  That has, after all, been the main focus in one way or another for the past nine years.  My son is diagnosed and as a result of learning about Autism through his struggles I have come to realize so much about myself.  I guess I should mention, for anyone who hasn’t read my last few posts, that I am not diagnosed or anything but I strongly suspect that I, too, am on the spectrum.  I also noticed, that as I meet more and more parents of children on the spectrum, that they too are often diagnosed or suspect something… Not always, of course, but it is something that I have noticed.

As of now, even though I do post about Autism, this isn’t an “Autism Blog” for the most part.  Mostly I just want it to be about every day things, like crap at work or crap at home, but trying to separate Autism from everything is impossible.  I was thinking that I felt like maybe I was talking about Autism too much, but really, when you live with it 24/7 why even think that way?  I was thinking that this would be something for me, just me, outside of that part of my life, just some place to bitch and vent about daily shit without talking about Autism.  But, now as I am becoming aware, I am very much likely on the spectrum myself and how does one separate the individual from Autism?  I’d have to say, that is impossible.  I wouldn’t say that the individual is only the Autism, but rather that the Autism is underlying in everything they do.  Kind of like the nerves in your body, you aren’t only your nerves, but you react to everything in a certain way depending on how those nerves react (physically speaking).  So I guess that is the only way I can describe it, or perhaps a foundation of a house, or let’s say the wiring of electrical stuff running throughout the walls… yea… it’s like that.  Very deep in the very middle foundation and running throughout, and without it, well, things just wouldn’t be the same.

I don’t plan for this blog to be only about Autism. But as things go, that is what I am dealing with now.  When it comes to my son, I feel like I don’t want to go into too much detail because I feel like his story isn’t mine to tell.  If ever I post about him here or on FB or anywhere, I ask first.  He cares very much about what I say when it comes to him, online or not.  And I am going to respect that.

At this point, Autism is at the heart of everything.  It is almost new, now that I am seeing myself in a different light. Even though I have been dealing with it for years now, and really my entire life if I indeed fall under the spectrum.  I posted not that long ago about trying to figure out if I want the diagnosis or not, I still don’t know. I have taken online tests that claim accuracy and if I were to only go by those then I should be going to a doctor.  I cant decide if it would be beneficial… I guess that remains to be seen.

I’ve thought about putting Autism somewhere in the tag line on this blog (trying it out)…  It is, after all, a main focus. The more I think about it, the more I see that it probably always will be.  As I said earlier, it is in everything I do.  I don’t get to separate it, every day I deal with difficulties… It is just so weird to have a name for these things now.  I guess that is the process though. When I first became aware of it, it was like I couldn’t get away from Autism, I felt smothered and helpless. And why the fuck am I having these issues when so many others don’t.  Every day, at work or shopping, I see people who easily maneuver throughout their day, socializing and just having a grand old time.  Things that are a nightmare for me seem to be fun and easy for others.  I am reconciling with the idea of it now, because I am facing the fact that nothing has really changed. It’s not like I woke up one day with Autism. It is that I realized one day that my problems, social and anxiety and others, have a name.  I went throughout my life without knowing that I belong to a category, or rather, a community of people.  Some really great people, I might add.  It felt like things had changed when I found the word for it.  And, as many know, change can be a bitch.  Especially for someone who doesn’t react well when things do change. I was smothered by said change, and had a really hard time wrapping my mind around it all, but now, as the dust settles, I realize the only change is my awareness of the fact that I am not alone in this.  I am not just some weirdo.  I am not any of the things that I was called growing up.  I am me, I am living with Autism, and I have been this whole time without even knowing it.

So now that I have finally “come to terms” with it… perhaps I will just post whatever the hell I want. Really, I am always trying to figure things out, where this is going, where that is going, etc.  And I know that I shouldn’t, but I do. Having been faced with my own self, having to figure my own shit out (which I haven’t fully, I doubt I ever will) has forced me to look at everything in its overwhelmingly amazing glory and chaos and had me at a loss for a long time. It’s been a crazy road of self reflection.  As introverted as I am, I am always doing the thinking and analyzing thing in my head… even though I seem like Im just sitting there with no real feelings or thoughts (I assume that is what I look like when I sit there with a blank stare lol).  This experience of learning about Autism has brought me to places that I never thought were possible, one including friendships (online friends are just as important).  I have joined several online autism groups, left a few and even manage one now with a lovely group of ladies that I have much in common with.  I have never had that inclusiveness, not really. Ive always been the odd one out, even if only just that I felt like it.  I have had friends growing up and been part of a group of people but always felt like I was alone too…  And I do have some real friendships offline, don’t get me wrong. But this is something different.  I feel as if, and probably for the first time, that I have found my place in things.  I am part of a community of people who know what it’s like.  And THAT is pretty damn awesome.

As much as I struggle, and as much as my kid struggles, we have our outlets and we have each other.  And I have my friends within the Autism community.

About DruJoKat

Autistic, mom, writer, poet, science enthusiast. Just trying to survive in this world made for the extroverted typical brain.
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