Another year, just like that. I recall having something of an existential crisis when I turned thirty but at age forty there is only bewilderment. Where the hell did the time go? Perhaps its the pandemonium. Just existing, languid and lethargic, during isolation for nearly a year and then continuing the existence of nothingness for another year…. Only leaving my house to go to the doctor or dentist. Returning home to continue my depressive state of couch potato-ing.

After a couple of years of rapidly declining health, changing medications, tooth extractions, blood tests and more tests, its seems that some progress has finally been made. I went to the dentist the other day and when she said “no cavities” I clapped like a seal. Because dammit it felt good. And the relief. Oh em gee, the relief is indescribable. Since growing up in the states and never going to the doctor or the dentist due to parental neglect and then poverty as an adult, moving here to a country with national healthcare Ive been able to, slowly but surely, get things fixed that were in desperate need of it. My teeth were terrible. A couple of root canals became infected years ago, and now Ive finally gotten them out. Interestingly enough, my normally very pale face actually now has some color in it. So its probably that those infections were causing me way more trouble than I realized. The extractions of said teeth, however necessary, were quite traumatic. The first, I had to wait for an appointment while in an immense amount of pain. Taking antibiotics and pain relievers that tore through my digestive system like a tornado. The second one, no pain until I got to the dentist. It took him more than two hours to get the damn thing out. Stubborn fucking tooth. I was sick for days after that. My abdomen was sore from god knows what. It eventually subsided, after months of probiotics and enzymes and trying to change my diet as best as one with food aversions can manage.

This past year has been one of healing, you could say. After all that I mentioned above, I was beginning to get better. Meanwhile, my teenager’s mental health was declining. So I had to get her the support she needed. With my tunnel vision I was so focused on her that I neglected my own mental health. I almost lost my kid to depression. Putting my own self aside, its what parents do, isn’t it? Now that she is better I think I can finally manage to work on myself. I do feel better than before, but I have work to do. I need to process everything that has happened. Nearly losing my kid is quite the trigger. So process I must. And focus on the fact that she is still with us. Because that is what is more important.

I realize this is all I talk about. My health and my mental health. But its pretty much the only thing I have to deal with at this time. Where I grew up there was always drama and bullshit. Things for me to bitch about. I filled this blog with drug fueled rants for years. When I moved here, though, I deleted them all. I didn’t want to hold onto all of that. Although, I kind of did, in my mind, for some time. When one is accustomed to drama and chaos, peace can feel uncomfortable. I think the past ten years Ive been processing so much, much more than I actually realized. I don’t even really know myself that well. Since Ive lived in survival mode my entire life, I haven’t really lived. So who the fuck am I without all the chaos? That is something I will try to figure out this year, hopefully.

Another year. Another attempt at self betterment. Happy friggin birthday to me.