After a childhood of trauma and constant drama thereafter in most of my early adulthood, I have now had to spend years healing. After nearly a decade of slow healing, mental and emotional especially, I’m finding that I have no idea who the hell I am anymore.
I stumbled across a post on Facebook that seems to ring true for me. It states, not verbatim, that after a lifetime of constant trauma one doesn’t go back to who they used to be because they were simply surviving their entire lives so they have to find who they would have been had they not grown up in such chaos. It stings a little, if I’m honest. However, coming to the realization that I’m essentially starting from scratch at the very least gives me permission to try new things.
Yesterday, while sitting on my own outside I came to the realization that whatever hobbies or interests I used to have were essential to my survival. I recall writing as a form of release for incredible anger due to unresolved issues at home. It helped me find some semblance of control, during a time when I literally had none. I was not safe anywhere. Not at home. Not at school. Not anywhere. So my ramblings became my refuge. But now, after nearly a decade of freedom from toxicity, I’m finding myself with very little inclination to write. Not like I used to, anyway.
So where to begin? As a neurodivergent individual, I find it helpful to set a series of small goals rather than any large ones. Large goals tend to be overwhelming. I look at a thing (a room that needs to be cleaned or any project that needs to be done) and cannot see my way through it. So, taking small steps to the ultimate goal (clean room, art project, etc.) tends to make it easier to manage. But what to do when unsure of said goals? Breaking down steps helps when working on household chores, but would it even help with trying to figure out what I want to do with my free time? That remains to be seen.
I’m not fully healed, of course. I do not think I ever will be, but in fairness, are any of us? I think every single human on this planet has some kind of thing that they feel needs to be worked on. Especially with the pandemic making things difficult for everyone. My mental and physical health certainly took several hits in the past couple of years. I wish I had some tips and tricks for everyone as to how to work through it, but I barely did anything. I just sat there, stewing in my depression watching reruns and waited for it to pass. Now Im out of that very deep valley, and who knows, I may be back there again soon, but for now Im going to enjoy today. And maybe tomorrow.