I’ve been rather busy as of late but I just added the WordPress app to my new iPhone 7 and thought I’d try it out with an update post. I may do more of these in the future.
Just recently I nearly deleted this entire blog. It may have been an existential crisis or perhaps a need for a change; to control something I can while so many other things are out of my control. But instead I trashed all of my old posts save a few I thought were still relevant. Mostly everything I do or think is autism related and I’ve been so engrossed in it that all of my other interests feel like mere shades of a past I can barely remember. I know that sounds gloomy but if there is a better way to explain this it eludes me.
Last week I went to a couple of appointments and filled out questionnaires and they told me I have anxiety and depression. So the process of getting the help I need has begun and I am wary of having to explain it to another stranger when I’d rather just sit by myself away from any prying eyes. That is probably due to social anxiety. These things come as no surprise to me, of course, but there is something in having that validation which leads to a time of reflection and mixed feelings and then the realization that had the help been sought after sooner my life could be dramatically different.
If enough time passes by with no real changes in the positive I tend to find myself questioning my very existence. I am in the process of trying to better my life, after all, but to do so while a war is raging inside of me makes it seem to be a process moving at a snails pace. I feel like I am two extremes battling relentlessly. There is the part of me that wants to do all these things and is impatient and wants to go go go… then there is the part of me that just doesn’t want to do any of it. Not out of fear or stress but out of a strong disinterest for just about everything.
I recall feeling, or even unfeeling, this way before at different times in my life. Just like this. The duality and the constant inner battle and basically seeming calm on the outside. The dismissals by others when attempting to explain any of it. The alone feeling… not necessarily that I want or even need someone because I do enjoy my solitude… but knowing that I’m alone in this can make it … well it sucks, plain and simple. It’s probably better to be alone rather than to not be alone and still feel alone. That is what it seems like when those around me do not understand. But as an autistic this is not a new thing for me. I have always been alone. Always. Even when I wasn’t.
Crap this post is more negative than I had planned. But I guess at least it’s honest.